#LiterallyNoIdea How to Say No

Anyone who follows me on social media, reads this blog, or knows me behind the screen knows just how busy my life is. I am involved in too many projects. In February, I already had plans for nearly every weekend of my summer. I am always driving somewhere or preparing to go on a trip. With all of this said, I still accept new responsibilities and plans nearly every week.

Let me start this blog by saying most days I love my busy life but with this ludicrous lifestyle comes several side effects: fun, anxiety, growth, crazy stories, disappointment, hard lessons learned, and (something I am finally going to admit) burnout.

Now, I have always loved to help others. I think that stems from my People Pleaser personality type. Helping others means others are happy which makes me happy. #ENFJ I used to take this to the extreme and put others’ happiness above my own. I still have off days but I seriously value my internal happiness now despite how others are feeling. #selflove

With this innate need to help others comes the skill/curse of multitasking and wearing many hats. At the bare bones of my life, I am a:

• Daughter

• Sister

• Niece

• Cousin

When you take my personal life and hobbies into account, you add several more hats to the list:

• Godmother

• Friend

• Girlfriend

• Small business owner

• Dancer

• Football fan

• Blogger

• Angler

• Hiker

• Wedding lover/planner/goer

• Choreographer

• Pageant chair member

• Runner

• Beer enthusiast

Not to mention, there are many more hats I wear in my professional life:

• Video editor

• Copy editor

• Graphic designer

• Coder

• Transcriptionist

• Website manager

• Bookkeeper

• Marketing freelancer

With this giant list of roles comes a great deal of responsibility, time, and stress – and disappointment. For years, I have felt like someone in my life has always been upset with me. Family members have called to say how much they miss me but they didn’t know I cried myself to sleep the night before because my studio is failing. Someone even told me they felt they were an “inconvenience” in my life because it had been a few weeks before I had seen them in person.

This meme is funny for one reason: it’s true. Most people can relate because they are overwhelmed too. Your boss is upset that you’re running short on time for the big presentation because you helped your teammate with his report last week. One friend is upset that you went to happy hour with Carrie when you haven’t gone out with her since May. Your mom is upset that you went on that two-week solo trip to Mexico when she hasn’t seen you since you borrowed her KitchenAid mixer last month. Long story short: you can’t please everybody.

As a People Pleaser myself, this is extremely hard for me. When someone is disappointed in me, it quite literally hurts. My stomach sinks, anxiety rises, tears flow, and hands shake. #nolie I inflict so much guilt knowing that someone isn’t 100% satisfied with my performance in their life. This is something I am currently working on but I am getting much better. I used to feel like these people were trying to make me feel bad, to guilt me into doing what they want – but hey, if it made them happy, right? In reality, most of these people were just rightfully expressing their emotions and I was making myself feel guilty.

I have always been afraid of letting others down. The worst words I’ve ever heard are, “I’m very disappointed in you.” #straightthroughtheheart I have always been the one everyone seems to rely on which has been awesome for the most part. I’m reliable, loyal, and hard working so people feel they can count on me. That’s a reputation I have worked to maintain but it causes so much stress at times that I throw up. #thatshealthy I try so hard to be that person that I take on projects… that maybe I shouldn’t.

Going along with the fear of letting others down, I have always thought saying “no” would make me weak. It meant I could not do something. I was incapable of achieving the success if I passed on the opportunity. However, #thankGod I recently discovered Rachel Hollis. (If you don’t know who she is, check out her website here. She is amazing for self-love days and a motivational kick in the a$$.) In Rach’s book, “Girl, Stop Apologizing,” she stresses the importance of learning to say no.

Create Your Priorities

Rach stresses you are in charge of your time. She says your overbooked schedule is your fault. If you’re burning out, that’s a sign that you’ve taken on too much at one time. What are the five most important things in your life? Family? Marriage? Career? Model airplanes? Game of Thrones? You define your priorities—and no one should make you feel guilty for those priorities, even if they don’t understand. Rach says if an ask doesn’t fit into her top four priorities, she is not going to accept it.

Respond ASAP

Ask for the requirements. Would you enjoy it? How does it fit in your schedule? Would it derail you from your goals and priorities? Follow your gut. If the ask doesn’t excite the pants off of you, pass. Remember: a jack-of-all-trades is a master of none.

Be Firm

When you deliver your answer, do so politely and follow through. The asker may be upset but they can find their help elsewhere. You are not required to help everyone (or anyone for that matter). You are responsible for your time. Own it.

Conclusion

Saying no isn’t always easy but it is an important life skill. It helps you stay focused, stay happy, and stay successful. I’ll leave you with these tips.

Value your time and your health.

Your time is yours—use it wisely. Also, listen to your body and your mental health. When you need a break, take it. It doesn’t make you weak; it strengthens you by creating the most resilient version of you possible.

Failing at something does not make you a failure.

People fail every day and my definition of failure is different from yours. To fail is to learn. Get back up. Dust off your pants. Move on.

Communicate expectations.

The easiest way to prevent disappointment is to communicate expectations. When you are looking at a new opportunity or ask from someone, ask questions to clarify what is needed, then make your decision.

Here is to hard lessons learned, friends, and just sometimes saying no.

Cheers!

Karen